Monday, December 06, 2010


My life is so weird and messed up lately, and the worst part of it, I feel like there is almost nobody I can talk to about it other than Ed. It feels like he is the only one who actually understands all of our bizarre circumstances well enough to get it. But talking to him is hard on both of us.

I can't get over him and our break up, and I don't even know how to try. I feel a deep bond and partnership with him that isn't going away. I miss every single thing that we had together and no longer have. A lot of the time I would do anything to go back a few weeks and do things differently. (I'd go back further than this, but even the night he broke up with me I didn't make an effort to stop him. We had just started making things better. But I was so worn down and it felt so inevitable that he was leaving me - he had been so relentlessly dissatisfied - that I couldn't fight it anymore.)

I can't express even these simple feelings to people very well, because I just don't say ridiculous things to people even when I feel them. I think this makes me seem robotic or something, but I don't know how to change that about myself. Also, I don't want to say bad things about him to our mutual colleagues (and, even if I'm sometimes tempted, the truth is that in my heart of hearts I don't think he did anything wrong, and he's been amazingly kind and supportive all along).

It would probably help if I didn't see Ed all day every day, but I don't want him to go away either. I certainly can't stand the idea of moving or of having him move and then having to get a new roommate. I want us to continue having this close friendship that we still have.

My life is just really hard right now.


Sally said...

It sounds like a truly sucky situation, not made any easier by Ed's presence. It's true that he is the person best placed to understand the particular bizarre circumstances of your relationship, but I think most anyone who has been broken up with by someone they love and want to be with can empathize with the heartbreak (and probably the sense of regret). I'm sorry that things are so hard.

Jason Galbraith said...

I called tonight and left a message about the sunset. Please believe (that e-mail I sent yesterday despairing of any future, notwithstanding) that the sun also rises. All of your friends are standing ready to be a part of that.

Other than that, God bless you. Merry Christmas. Would like to come by and deliver your Christmas present (another book, of course). Please e-mail or call me.

susan williams said...

Don't sell your friends short, Tam. They can be incredibly sympathetic and understanding of your feelings, even if not the exact reasons. Even if time doesn't heal all wounds, it can make them less unbearable; so it's ok to let yourself mourn.

Tam said...

Thanks, you guys. I seem to be doing better today, though I don't expect this is my last time around the ferris wheel.

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Sounds very sensitive situation !