Heartbroken

My life is so weird and messed up lately, and the worst part of it, I feel like there is almost nobody I can talk to about it other than Ed. It feels like he is the only one who actually understands all of our bizarre circumstances well enough to get it. But talking to him is hard on both of us.

I can't get over him and our break up, and I don't even know how to try. I feel a deep bond and partnership with him that isn't going away. I miss every single thing that we had together and no longer have. A lot of the time I would do anything to go back a few weeks and do things differently. (I'd go back further than this, but even the night he broke up with me I didn't make an effort to stop him. We had just started making things better. But I was so worn down and it felt so inevitable that he was leaving me - he had been so relentlessly dissatisfied - that I couldn't fight it anymore.)

I can't express even these simple feelings to people very well, because I just don't say ridiculous things to people even when I feel them. I think this makes me seem robotic or something, but I don't know how to change that about myself. Also, I don't want to say bad things about him to our mutual colleagues (and, even if I'm sometimes tempted, the truth is that in my heart of hearts I don't think he did anything wrong, and he's been amazingly kind and supportive all along).

It would probably help if I didn't see Ed all day every day, but I don't want him to go away either. I certainly can't stand the idea of moving or of having him move and then having to get a new roommate. I want us to continue having this close friendship that we still have.

My life is just really hard right now.

Life Is...Hard?

I have to admit, I am kind of hating my life right now. I might even be a wee bit depressed.

If I tell you what is wrong, odds are that my life might end. Sally might actually fly up here just to kick my ass. (I'm sure she doesn't want to have to do that, but she would, and she'd enjoy it.)

But basically I am bored.

Without school and without having a roommate like Mosch who actually wants to do things (Ed basically keeps to himself most of the time), I don't have anything to structure my free time around. And just working full time, at a job 8 minutes from my apartment, is not enough to fill my time.

Of course, there are plenty of things I should be doing. I should clean the kitchen more. There are a ton of chores that need doing, actually. I should cook healthy meals. And I could study my textbooks for next semester, or go through the GRE Math Subject exam book that I have, or...well, there are so many things. But without a sense of urgency it is hard for me to do any of that stuff. And I just feel very blah.

I am kind of in that rut of feeling that I have nothing to do, yet being unwilling to do any of the things I could do. I am kind of just being a screw-up. And I don't want to develop any new hobbies, because school starts in two weeks (yay) and then I won't have time to do anything at all.

Is it a bad sign that I can't entertain myself for an entire summer? (I'm thinking yes.)

Anger in Relationships

Before Ed, I hadn't been in a relationship with anyone for...8 years? Something like that. Having a boyfriend again is lovely, but also strange in some ways. One of the problems I keep having is dealing with anger - both my own and his.

On my side, it's like this. I'm an irritable person, and I tend to snap at lovers. I've gotten way better about this over the years (and this was something I could work on with Mosch as well), such that I really no longer say things like, "Can't you eat like a human being?!?" but I'm still a bit over the top. Ed tends to take my irritation very seriously, which hurts him and is not the best response to it.

But when it comes to actual anger, I have a really hard time expressing it. Instead, I let it build up until I either go passive aggressive, or come out with the anger is an overly harsh way. (I was talking to Sally the other day and realized I have never, ever gotten outwardly mad at her. I really don't think I have. And, you know, I've known her for 15 years, so it's not like she's never pissed me off in all that time.)

When I do act angry, I usually end up feeling later that I was in the wrong. I can't really tolerate being wrong or unfair. So I usually either just try to get over what is bugging me, or else I express it and then feel wretched later.

On the other side of the coin, Ed is also irritable, and gets irritable with or angry at me more often than any boyfriend I've had. His anger is really clean - he's not scary and he doesn't say intentionally hurtful things. I sometimes think of it as a "clean, protective anger." It is usually about a demand for fairness or to be taken seriously. (Belittlement is intolerable to him.)

But it crushes me. I think partly because I grew up as the only child of a single parent, when my partner is angry at me, it feels like the end of all relationship. (Think about it. In my family of origin there was exactly one relationship.) It feels like he hates me. I don't usually get angry or defensive back - I just crumble inside, and want to do anything to appease him.

It's bad. I wish I wouldn't respond this way. I am still able to respond somewhat rationally to whatever he's saying - weigh his arguments, decide (generally) that he's right, apologize, and whatever is required. Sometimes I will make a case for myself when I think there's one to be made. He listens too. We often handle it well in the moment. But afterwards, or maybe later when he jokes about something unrelated, I'll cry. It builds up.

I want to learn more healthy ways of dealing with this on both sides. I'm less concerned about my own anger, because Ed can handle it, and I do eventually get my points across somehow. But I'm afraid my response to his, if I don't get over becoming a basketcase whenever he gets mad, may destroy things.